Fear of Clowns

"Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable."
- H. L. Mencken
gozz@gozz.com

Monday, April 11, 2005

Could I service you sexually? 

This is really great real-life theater from a phone number one digit away from a pizza delivery joint's. (via the Apostropher who also a decade ago forwarded me "Ways to order a pizza" which I expanded to "101 ways to order a pizza.") An example from the mp3s, if you're into it already maybe it's a better choice to go listen to them starting from the beginning,

Pizza guy: Pizza, can I help you?
Customer: I'm calling, I just called uh, uh your restaurant -
Pizza guy: Yes?
Customer: And I got some very inappropriate talk on the phone.
Pizza guy: Oh, is Ashley giving you a hard time?
Customer: Excuse me?
Pizza guy: Did you speak with a lady?
Customer: I don't know who I spoke to, but I, it was totally, I'm having the call traced.
Pizza guy: Oh.
Customer: Totally inappropriate.
Pizza guy: Oh ...
Customer: They told me they had pizza with nipples on it, cursed me out.
Pizza guy: Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. We've been having some problems, we just got a new employee and he does not know what the, what he's doing, he's just - I'm so sorry.
Customer: Well why are you, I don't understand if you know this, why is he there?
Pizza guy: Well, eh, unfortunately, he's handicapped and the law dictates we can't fire him. I mean he's got to do something that's really - you know, he's got to screw up big time before we can fire him.
Customer: Well I think that's totally sc-, messed up.
Pizza guy: Well that's just state law for you, I don't agree with it either, he's one of our worst employees, but, eh, is there anything I can do to rectify the situation 'mam, can I give you a free pizza?
Customer: No, I am, I am, I am totally disgusted?
Pizza guy: Is, is there anything at all I can do ...
Customer: Uh, there is, I'm a person that would be very reluctant to do business with you.
Pizza guy: Is there anything at all I can do for you 'mam?
Customer: Um, I wanted to order a pizza.
Pizza guy: Can, can I give you a pizza, like, on the house?
Customer: Um ...
Pizza guy: Or, or perhaps could I service you sexually?
Customer: Excuse me?
Pizza guy: I'm sorry, could I get you a pizza on the house or service you sexually?
(pause)
Customer: Excuse me?
Pizza guy: Could I get you a pizza on the house to make up for it or service you sexually?
Customer: Uh, I think that you need to go to jail.
Pizza guy: I'm sorry it seems that, you know, you need some hard c*ck.
Customer: OK.
Pizza guy: You seem kinda uppity.
Customer: Is the manager there?
Pizza guy: Yes he is, would you like to speak with him?
Customer: Uh, yes.
Pizza guy: OK.
Manager: This is Dave, can I help you? Hello, this is Dave, can I help you?
Customer: Uh, Dave, what kind of business are you running there?
Manager: It's a pizza business, we make pizzas and then we deliver them to different houses. People can call in and order the pizzas and then we'll drive them to their house. And then you pay us.
Customer: That's, I would never have you drive me anything to my house.
Manager: Then what the f*ck are you calling for?
Customer: You're talking, you're being recorded.
Manager: I know I'm being recorded!

These episodes reminded me of this weekend's edition of what is probably my favorite radio show, This American Life, Mind Games - the first installment of the episode is as or more fascinating than the wrong number pizza recordings.

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Comments:

i read this and listened to the actual recording, laughed so hard i had tears in my eyes. (though it does get a little mean at the very end, when he started swearing at her.)

 

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