Fear of Clowns

"Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable."
- H. L. Mencken
gozz@gozz.com

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Stir-fried catfish, strawberries and Rush Limbaugh's desperate plan to undo the filibuster compromise 

A tale of an uncomplicated, delicious meal and a miserable, broken man



dinner

One day, things didn't go very well in the Kingdom of Right Wing Fantasy. King El Rushbo, feeling furiously dreary himself, had to think of a way to entertain and console a mass of 20 million as they groaned and heaved across the Kingdom's streets and stewed in its cubicles. King El Rushbo did as well as he could with his talent, which was on loan from God. Here is the tale of how the King saved the day.

A great petulance rose over the Kingdom of Right Wing Fantasy one evening and the next day, the whole Kingdom gathered to seek guidance from their king El Rushbo. When the King first addressed th crowd, he himself was in denial, and he remarked that he just couldn't believe it,

I can't believe this. I can't believe it. The filibuster of judicial nominees is still solidly in place, the Democrats get to decide who the nominees are that are going to be filibustered.

Feeling trapped by both the petulance and the crowd, the King summoned his royal willpower and sought to think positively. While he was still thinking, he told the Kingdom of secret trap doors only he knew of - doors which could set things aright again,

There are ways around this.

Having reassured the Kingdom, he lowered expectations by catastrophizing,

President Bush is going to get up-or-down votes on three of his nominees. All the rest of it is BS, all the rest is Barbra Streisand. He gets up-or-down votes on three of his nominees and that's it, that's it. For all practical purposes, folks, that is it.

The King then anchored his Kingdom to its familiar and fantastic world-view by performing one of his favorite and familiar tricks: he sought hidden motives,

These guys all want to be president, every senator up there thinks he should be anyway.

Feeling his troops were sufficiently rallied and showing great love for his people, the King conspired with them,

You know, it may be time, folks, I'm just going to throw these things out here for you to consider, it may be time to treat McCain and Graham and Warner and all these others exactly as they would have treated their colleagues, as they would have treated these nominees like Myers and Henry Saad, throw them overboard.

Forgetting for a moment that he promised a way to relieve the doom, King El Rushbo turned pessimistic and promised to at a later date remind everybody of the tragedy. His subjects didn't notice the King's pessimism, but they were glad the King would hold a grudge.

Mr. Snerdley, make a note in your calendar there in '06 to remind me to remind them to get mad again.

Still thinking, the King again assured everybody he would get the Kingdom out of the mess,

Well, I've got a plan. I've developed some ideas.

As King El Rushbo thought some more, he humbled himself before the crowd, which was getting a bit antsy to hear the King's thoughts,

I hate being right so much, but I can't help it. I am. I wish I weren't right as much. I'd be considered a bit more human than I am. I'm right so often, people think I'm a machine, and I don't want to be thought of as a machine. I want to be thought of as a human being.

The King then tossed out a number of great magnitude to symbolize the great depth and breadth of the problem his action plan would meet,

I've looked at this a thousand ways, and I just don't see an upside.

He dazzled everybody with more magic numbers - much more interesting than standard arithmetic which in the Kingdom is "smoke and mirrors",

The minority of 45 was thwarted by a minority of the gang of 14. So a sub-minority here is actually ruled. All of this is just smoke and mirrors. You got seven Republican senators that are happy today; 45 Democrats are happy.

(In the Kingdom of Right Wing Fantasy, 45 happy Democrats plus 7 happy Republicans is less than half of 100)

The Kingdom was then primed and ready to hear the plan, and being ing lucky as only kings and queens can be lucky, at that same time, a fully hatch plan sprang into the King's head,

Now, here's what needs to happen. This is what needs to happen. The 48 Republicans who did not participate in this thing need to say, "No deal." They need to say, "Nobody consulted with us. How in the world can seven members of our party dictate what we do? No one consulted with the president, whose powers the moderates have sought to diminish here.

Pretend nothing happened! A perceptible wave of exultation flowed through the crowd as word of the plan spread across those too far back to hear. The people of the Kingdom began to chant, "Pretend nothing happened! Pretend nothing happened!"

"So simple, yet so brilliant," whispered members of the King's court while the masses chanted and cheered and roared. Even though the King spoke at the top of his lungs, only those closest heard him explain again that it would be best for the Fantasy Kingdom to just pretend nothing had happened,

What ought to happen is they ought to vote on the constitutional option and let the chips fall where they may. Let the seven moderates stand on their compromise.

To top off the plan, the King told everyone to confuse voting for cloture and voting on a confirmation,

We already have 62 senators who say they're qualified to be on the bench, 48 real Republicans and the 14 Senate moderates. Remember, this deal says there's 62 votes for these three judges.

The King let out a big kingly sigh which sounded like a sigh of relief and defeat at the same time. Then the King bellowed, which sounded decisive and glum at the same time,

It'll never happen, but if these 48 Republicans say, "You know, we're not part of this. We're simply not going along with this. We weren't consulted, the president wasn't consulted. The president's powers have been diminished here." Just vote on the constitutional option. Vote on it; bring it up. Frist, bring it up. Bring up the constitutional option.

The moral of the story is, "If you 'can't believe it', you don't have to!"

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Comments:

Since when did the constitution allow the president any power or authority where the senate is concerned? I woulda swore the senate in fact is supposed to limit presidential power. I realize that I am a high school dropout but I seem to recall that the whole point of congressional confirmation was so the president wouldn't wield undo power over the courts. Of course I seem to recall the point of the fillibuster being to keep bad laws off the books and psychos off the bench. Hmmm. "We shall see Zauor, we shall see."
I think half of it is that Limbaugh brain was tongue-tied but his mouth wasn't and the other half is that Limbaugh knows his listeners don't bother doing things like reading Constitution, far less commentary on it.
Dude, seriously good analysis and damn funny as well.

 

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